Click here to view other books by Yossi

Other books on this topic:

Straightalk
Yossi

The Thinking Jewish Teenager's Guide to Life
Akiva Tatz

Teen Esteem
Sarah Chana Radcliffe

The Jewish Teen's Survival Guide
Rabbi Dovid Hochberg

People who bought this book also bought:

The Jewish Teen's Survival Guide
Rabbi Dovid Hochberg

Copycat
Leah Subar

Questions You Thought We Were Afraid You'd Ask
Moshe Speiser

What's the Purpose?
Rabbi Hillel Rotenberg
Translated by Rabbi Moshe Lichtman

The Lost Daughter
Esther Heller

Book Excerpt from Straightalk: The Next Step

Straightalk: The Next Step The last book you need to read before deciding to become an adult By Yossi The Jewish book essential for every Jewish teen, this 2nd volume of Straightalk by Jewish teen educator Yossi shows Jewish teens & young adults how to take the next step to adulthood. Frank, practical & real this is the guidebook for every Jewish teen. Buy Straightalk: The Next Step at a special online price at www.targum.com

why is it so hard to change?

We must ask ourselves, “What causes people to feel that they can’t change?”

I think that one of the simplest answers is “habit and addiction.” When a certain thing or trend becomes part of one’s life, or even worse, a person’s life depends on it, it is very difficult to separate that person from what he feels is a part of him or even keeping him alive. For example, when someone who has become addicted to sleeping pills is told, even by a doctor, that he now has no need for them, it’s hard to let go.

I remember when I had knee surgery. The doctor gave me heavy painkillers for five days. When I finished the pills, I was begging for more.

We become so dependent on things, and it isn’t always pills or drugs. It can be people as well. Sometimes we become overly attached to a friend, psychologist, or even a parent and have a very hard time letting go of them and learning to become dependent on ourselves. Many times this leads to our getting hurt or let down by that person. In turn, this causes us to have trust issues in future relationships.

When you are addicted to something, in essence you are stuck. You can’t change, since you don’t imagine your life can be better without that element in it. So you don’t want to change, since you think you will make your life worse. When someone tells you that you have to lay off the pills or keep your distance from a certain person because you will get hurt, YOU DON’T LISTEN! Not because you don’t want to, rather because you are not capable of listening in your current state.

Sometimes people don’t want to change because they are lazy. Change is hard work; it takes time, effort, and, most of all, dependence on and trust in the people who are helping you change. Changing on your own isn’t always possible. It requires help and guidance.

Try imagining for a moment that your car has broken down. You happen to know your way around cars, and you know how to fix this one. In order to fix it you have to get your toolbox out of the trunk. There is just one small problem: you don’t have the keys for the trunk. You call a locksmith to open your trunk for you. Now that you have your tools, you can proceed to fix your car. Did the locksmith fix your car for you? NO! He only gave you the ability to use your knowledge to help yourself, yet on the other hand, without the locksmith all your knowledge is useless.

The same is true with change. People can’t change you or for you. All they can do is influence you to take the initiative to change.

The one thing in common with all people who want to change, yet for various reasons don’t think they are capable of changing, is that they are one step ahead of the people who don’t want to change.

People who don’t want to change are a very interesting group of individuals. You have probably met them at some point. Sometimes they give the impression of being stuck up and snobby, while others have actually tricked themselves into believing that they are happy with who they are. The reason they don’t want to change is because they think they don’t have to.

Imagine the following story: Sara comes to the doctor because she is suffering from shortness of breath and constant pain in her joints. The doctor tells her that the reason for all her suffering is because she is overweight, 150 pounds to be precise.

“Doctor,” says Sara, “my psychologist, whom I happen to be seeing for depression, told me that my problems have nothing to do with my weight. She told me it’s because I have a low self-image. So, you see, I don’t have to lose weight to feel better. I just have to feel better about my weight.” (This is an awesome line that I thought of myself.)

Someone like Sara is impossible to help. She has to realize that she has two separate issues to deal with — her weight and her self-esteem. Only if she can realize what her problems really are will she be able to use the help that is being offered to her.

Unfortunately, people have a huge problem. They are blind when it comes to looking at their own shortcomings. We lie to ourselves, justify our actions with the lamest excuses. I don’t think we do this on purpose. I think the problem lies in the fact that we don’t take the time to get to know ourselves.

I have asked many people the following question. “Whose face can you accurately describe better to an artist, yours or your best friend’s?” Generally, the answer I get is “My best friend’s,” followed by the reasoning that they see them all the time. Isn’t this sad? I mean, you have been living with your face for so many years and you don’t even know what you look like. Or do you?

If you really want to change something about yourself, you have to know yourself.

There was once a great detective named Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock always had at his side his trustworthy sidekick, whose name was Watson. Once they went camping together. They searched until they found the perfect spot in the woods near a river. They pitched their tent and built a fire. Many hot dogs and marshmallows were consumed that night. When they were stuffed, and sleep started to creep up on them, they bid one another good night and crawled into their tent to go to sleep. Sometime later, Sherlock shook Watson awake and said,

“My dear friend Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

“Well,” said Watson, “I can see the Big Dipper over there, and the North Star is shining brightly over there. From the way the leaves are moving, I can tell that the wind is blowing in from the west.”

“My dear friend Watson,” said Sherlock, “from the fact that you can see the sky, someone must have stolen our tent!”

I think this story brings out my point very well. Is it possible that maybe we can’t see in ourselves the obvious? Things that other people, even complete strangers, can see just by looking at us? Maybe all those comments that we have learned to ignore or shrug off because we took them as rebuke were really helpful tips. Pretty scary, wouldn’t you say?

So far we have seen two types of people. Ones who want to change but don’t think they can, either because of addiction or pure laziness. And ones who don’t think they need to change or can’t figure out what they have to change.

Buy Straightalk: The Next Step at an online discount at www.targum.com