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Book Excerpt from Bring Out the Best

Bring Out the Best: A Jewish Guide to Building Family Esteem By Rabbi Yisroel Roll This spectacular Jewish parenting book on building Jewish family self esteem by popular Rabbi and psychotherapist Yisroel Roll shows us how to bring out the best in our Jewish kids & in ourselves, with a foreword by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski. Buy Bring Out the Best at a special online price at www.targum.com

Bereishis

Developing a Relationship with Hashem

How do we nuture a healthy family? The first rule in the book is to foster a positive attitude in family members. In fact, a positive outlook on life is the first mitzvah of the Torah. We find in this week’s parashah, “Vayitzav Hashem Elokim al ha’adam leimor: Mikol eitz hagan achol tochal — And Hashem Elokim commanded man, saying: From every tree of the garden you shall surely eat” (Bereishis 2:16). Doesn’t this come as a surprise? We usually assume that G-d’s first commandment to Adam HaRishon was a mitzvas lo sa’aseh, a negative commandment: “Do not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil” (Bereishis 2:17). Look again. This is actually the second command given. The first command, found one pasuk before that fateful instruction is: “You shall surely eat everything.” Hashem told Adam, “Enjoy everything — and recognize that it is all a personal gift from Me, Hashem, to you.” The world might have looked very different had Adam HaRishon understood and integrated that first positive command from Hashem.

Rabbeinu Bachaya comments that the essence of the first command is to have a positive attitude toward one’s obligations in life. We must look at life from the perspective of personal strengths and with an I-can attitude. I can and am obligated to enjoy all the fruits of the world. In fact, the Talmud Yerushalmi states: “In the future each person will have to give an accounting on every permissible pleasure with which Hashem presented him during his lifetime and of which he did not partake” (Yerushalmi, Kiddushin, ch. 4, p. 66). This does not mean that we should take a bohemian attitude. The worldview of “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may die” is criticized harshly by the navi Yeshayahu (Yeshayahu 22:13). Rather, our attitude should be: Let me look for and identify the positive gifts that Hashem has given me. Then, let me see how I can relate these gifts back to their Source — and develop a closer relationship with Hashem. The key to developing a positive relationship with Hashem is integrating a feeling of gratitude and appreciation toward Him for all the positive things that He gives us.

Let’s try an exercise: Make a list of the ten things that you can’t or don’t want to live without. My list includes: my sense of awe at the world, my creativity, my wife, my kids, my eyesight, my sense of taste, singing, my writing, my pillow... So put down the book, take out a pen, and make your list.

Now, enter into a dialogue with Hashem:
You: Hashem, why did You give me these wonderful things?
Hashem: Because I love you and I want to give to you.
You: What should I do in return?
Hashem: Just say thank you.

Keep this list by your nightstand, in your car, in your diary... and review it once a day. Feel and develop a sense of gratitude to G-d. This is called developing a personal relationship with G-d. It is much more real, satisfying, and energizing than merely considering oneself frum or religious. Ongoing gratitude adds a dimension of spirituality, it connects us with Hashem, in a way that transforms our outward observance into avodas Hashem.

The Rambam tells us:
Each man should view himself, all year round, as if he is half-innocent, and half-guilty; also, that the entire world is half-innocent and half-guilty. Committing one aveirah will condemn him and the entire world, and cause destruction. Performing one mitzvah can tip one’s personal scale — and the scale of the whole universe — for the good, and bring about salvation. (Hilchos Teshuvah 3:4)

The world is teetering on a precarious balance; good and evil, success and failure are equally within our grasp. Each act must be weighed and measured carefully, for each can tip our own scale — and the scale of the entire universe — for good or for bad. The fate of the world is in our hands. Me? Yes, you. You and I have that tremendous power and responsibility to affect the entire spiritual balance of the world.

This concept is at one and the same time daunting and empowering. It’s all a question of attitude. Do I look at myself as a miniscule speck of dust in the universe, who can mess up the whole world with one comment of lashon hara, or one criticism of my spouse or child? Or do I look at myself as empowered by Hashem to say one positive comment to my spouse or one word of praise to my child that can build them and the entire world with them?

The choice we have before us — and the awesome responsibility it carries — is the practical meaning of having within ourselves a tzelem Elokim. We have the power to act like Hashem. Hashem is totally free to act as He pleases. He chooses to act with chesed by sustaining the world and everything in it each second. When we activate our “choosing center,” meaning our free will, and choose to inject positivity into the world, then we are emulating G-d. Our choosing center of free will is the practical manifestation of our tzelem Elokim.

The Maharal in his commentary to Pirkei Avos (Derech Chaim 3:14), explains the concept of tzelem Elokim. An exquisite portrait painted in oils, or even a delicate watercolor, is not a true replica of the person whom the artist seeks to portray.

Rather, the picture is a representation of the original in a totally different medium or dimension. Man, in his olam hazeh, “thisworld” state, is a representation of G-d, who is otherworldly and nonphysical. For example, G-d imbued man with a divine quality of freedom. G-d acts independently; His deeds are free from any external factors. Although man’s deeds are motivated by other people’s expectations, circumstances, inner desire for recognition and approval, he has the divine ability to act independently. We can do the right thing regardless of what other people think — and despite what we feel.

So we see, G-d gave man a spark similar to Himself: He gave him free will, and freedom to choose to live his life unencumbered by the control of any other creature. Thus, free will is evidence of our G-dliness. And, it is the way we express our otherworldly G-dliness in the physical world. It is a physical manifestation of the spiritual divine image within us.

Empowering our children with the idea that it is up to them to choose wisely and express their tzelem Elokim is the greatest gift we can give them. We can show our children how to evidence and express our G-dliness in day-to-day life. One way of doing this is by making this idea part of our regular conversation. We can say to our child, “You are choosing to act in a positive manner right now. I am proud of you because you are acting like Hashem.” This brings an awareness of Hashem into the child’s everyday life.

And now for the most important rule of self-esteem parenting. It is taught to us by a little angel on the night before our first child is born. After all, how do we transform ourselves from a couple into a family overnight? The key message: You, my child, are a tzelem Elokim. You are intrinsically worthy and valuable. Your tzelem Elokim is your G-d-given real self — which can never be taken from you. Your neshamah, your G-dly essence, is always tehorah, pure. What if my child chooses to exercise her free will negatively? Does that make my child bad? No. We can tell our children: “What you are choosing to do right now is unacceptable. You are exercising and expressing your G-dgiven free will in a manner which is not worthy of a fine person like you.”

In this way, you as a parent are differentiating between the child as a person and the child’s actions. The child’s worth is never questioned or put at risk. The child is good — a reflection or tzel, shadow, of Hashem. The child’s choices may be creating negative energy, but he can choose to turn that around through teshuvah, and through using his free will to make positive choices.

The Alter of Slobodka quotes the Midrash, which recounts how Adam HaRishon came to recognize his own capacity for free will:

[Hashem asked Adam,] “And what is an appropriate name by which you should be called?” And Adam answered: “Adam, because I was created from the adamah, the ground.”
(Bereishis Rabbah 17)

Hebrew is called lashon hakodesh, “the holy language,” because the words themselves relate to the essence of that which they describe. Man is called “Adam” because he is made of earth — from the adamah, “ground” — literally, the elements of the periodic table, including carbon, potassium, calcium, hydrogen, water, and so forth. This means that we have the capacity to be drawn to our nefesh habehamis, animal soul, by giving in to our earthly, animal nature. On the other hand, if we change the vowels under the letters of adamah, we get the word adameh, which means “to be like G-d.” If we choose to overcome our earthly nature by using our G-d-given neshamah, then we can become G-dly — and are adameh, “like G-d.”

This fluctuation between our adamah-self and our adamehself is the nature of the human condition. We live on the level of our ruach, our emotions — happiness, sadness, frustration, motivation, enthusiasm.... When our ruach is challenged, we can choose to go down into gravity, into our lower, nefesh-self, by criticizing, insulting, and even hurting the challenges. That would be acting like our adamah-selves. On the other hand, if we decide to resist gravity and act against our earthly nature, we can move up to the level of our neshamah. We can respond by saying: I may have been insulted or hurt by you, but I will not go down into my nefesh-self. I will respond intellectually by saying: “My feelings are hurt. I am upset and angry, but I will not react with my nefesh-self by hurting you.”

BRING IT HOME

. Each person is created b’tzelem Elokim and is therefore intrinsically worthy and valuable. Hashem gives each of us the ultimate gift and the ultimate responsibility: the power to choose.
. Empower children with the awareness that they have the ability to choose to act like Hashem. Praise correct choices.
. Keep away from negative nicknames. Labels can di - able, downgrading the child’s image of himself. Even when wrong choices have been made, a person’s essence and inner value is never in question. Actions, however, may be challenged.
(Loosely based on the essay “Sefer Toldos HaAdam,” in the Ohr HaTzafun by the Alter of Slobodka)

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