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The Eternal Bond:
A Guide to the Laws, Customs, and Traditions of the Jewish Wedding
By Chaim Press
The only Jewish wedding guide for Jewish bride & groom - the chosson & kallah: an explanation of the Jewish wedding, Jewish laws, Jewish customs, & Jewish traditions, with inspiring stories, insights & essential knowledge for chassanim, kallos, rabbis, & Jewish families!
Buy The Eternal Bond at a special online price at www.targum.com
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Chapter Seventeen
REJOICING
GLADDENING THE BRIDE AND GROOM
It is a great mitzvah to gladden the hearts of a
groom and bride (simchas chasan v’kallah).1
Although the Sages instituted this mitzvah, it is one of the
outstanding demonstrations of loving-kindness, and it is
included in the commandment, “And you shall love your fellow
man as yourself” (Vayikra 19:18), the reward of which a person
reaps in this world as well as in the Next World.2
The Midrash states that the Almighty Himself rejoiced with
Adam and Chava at their wedding in the Garden of Eden.3
Some commentators interpret the passage in Koheles (3:4)
“v’eis rekod - and a time to dance,” as referring to the dancing
and rejoicing in the presence of a bride and groom.4
The Midrash states that even the wicked Queen Izevel would
tap her feet, clap her hands, and wave her head in honor of a
bride and groom who would pass by her palace. Even though
she was killed and dogs devoured her body, as a punishment for
her crimes, nevertheless, when her remains were collected for
burial, her skull, feet, and the palms of her hands were spared.
They were found intact as a reward for having thus rejoiced before
a wedding procession (see Melachim II 9:35–36).5
The Talmud relates that King Agrippas was praised by the
Sages for having made way for a bride when she passed. Upon
being asked, “Why do you step aside for a bride?” he replied, “I
wear a crown every day; she wears her crown only today!”6
Rabbi Yehuda bar Ilai, who constantly studied Torah, would
interrupt his learning to gladden a bride by dancing before her
with a myrtle branch. Similarly, Rabbi Shmuel the son of Rabbi
Yitzchak would dance before a bride while juggling three twigs
in the air. As a reward for Rabbi Shmuel’s deed, at his funeral, a
pillar of fire in the shape of a myrtle branch separated his bier
from the large crowd of people. This was viewed by the Sages as
Heavenly affirmation of the special merit of the great mitzvah
that he had performed.7
Rabbi Eliezer HaGadol, in his tzava’ah (ethical will), instructed
his son to always make sure to gladden bridegrooms.8
Rav Avraham Pam emphasized the greatness of this mitzvah
by pointing out that G-d Himself rejoices at the time of a new
marriage, as is recited in the introductory phrase to Birkas
HaMazon, “shehasimchah bim’ono - the joy is in His abode” (see
chapter 18). It would, therefore, only be proper for one to join the
Almighty at the time of this joyous occasfion.9
Rav Shalom Schwadron was renowned for his exuberant
dancing at weddings, enthusiastically fulfilling the mitzvah of
gladdening the bride and groom. He told the following story to
demonstrate the greatness of this mitzvah.
DURING A CERTAIN PERIOD in his life, the Vilna Gaon
went into voluntary exile, wandering from city to city. One
day, he arrived incognito in a small town and found a wedding
taking place. All of the townspeople had gathered to
celebrate and rejoice with the groom. The Vilna Gaon, joining
them, seated himself in the section designated for the
paupers.
During the wedding feast, a valuable object seemingly
disappeared from one of the tables. Suspicion immediately
fell upon the Gaon, the stranger in town. Naturally, the
people accused him of being the thief. One of the guests approached
the stranger and repeatedly demanded that he
return what he had stolen. The Gaon remained silent. Another
guest grabbed the Gaon by the arm, lifted him from
his seat, pulled him over to the groom’s table, and sat him
down, in full view of all the guests. Angrily, they shouted,
“Return what you took!” The Gaon again remained silent.
One guest flung open the door in a rage and shoved the
Gaon out of the wedding hall, to the accompaniment of
merry laughter. The Gaon turned around and noticed that
the groom was also laughing. He later related to others that
his embarrassing experience was well worth it, if only to
make the groom happy.10
RAV YITZCHAK BLAZER (also known as Reb Itzele), a
mussar giant, went to great efforts to gladden a bride and
groom. Once, when Reb Itzele returned home from a distant
city where he had traveled for the sake of performing
the mitzvah of gladdening the hearts of the bride and
groom, he discovered that in the interim, one of his children
had gotten a coin stuck in his throat. After numerous
unsuccessful attempts to extract the coin or push it down
his throat, the doctors had abandoned hope for the child’s
life. Suddenly, the child swallowed the coin and emerged
unscathed from this life-threatening ordeal. Reb Itzele attributed
his child’s survival to the merit of the mitzvah
which he had just performed, of cheering the hearts of a
bride and groom.11
Even at the wedding of Rav Naftali Amsterdam to his
second wife, who both were in their seventies, Reb Itzele
danced on a tabletop, and sang songs and rhymes all in fulfillment
of the mitzvah of gladdening a bride and groom.
When questioned as to whether so much rejoicing was
called for, he answered, “In the halachah which states that
one should rejoice with a bride and groom, no mention is
made as to the couple’s age!”12
AN UNCLE OF RABBI AKIVA EIGER, who was unable to
attend the wedding of his nephew, subsequently wrote a
congratulatory letter in which he apologized for his absence
at the wedding. He reassured the groom, however,
that he was festively rejoicing at the time of the wedding.
[This repast became known as seudas Rabbi Akiva Eiger.]
Similarly, Rav Avraham Grodzinsky, Hy”d, the
mashgiach of the Slabodka Yeshivah, was once visiting
Warsaw. He suddenly glanced at his watch and began to
sing and dance. When asked about his strange behavior, he
explained, “At this very moment, one of my students is
getting married in Slabodka. Although I am unable to participate
personally at his wedding and fulfill the great
mitzvah of gladdening the groom, nevertheless, I am rejoicing
even from afar, as I feel very happy for him.”13
RAV CHAIM MICHOEL DOV WEISSMANDEL, well
known for his heroic efforts to rescue Jews from the Nazis
during the Holocaust era, spent much time in mourning
over the destruction of European Jewry. Nevertheless, he
was sure to demonstrate his genuine happiness and joy at
the weddings of his students.
IT IS RELATED that at the wedding of his grandson, Rav
Chaim Halberstam (the Sanzer Rav) was exceedingly joyful,
and his chassidim rejoiced with him. His son, Reb Aharon,
remarked to them, “On the verse ‘And Egypt did evil to us
and to our fathers’ (Bemidbar 20:15), Rashi comments, ‘From
this we see that the Patriarchs suffer in their graves when
retribution comes upon Israel.’ If this is so,” he continued,
“then it stands to reason that when there is a wedding, our
Patriarchs also rejoice. Come, let us be joyful together with
our ancestors.” Thereupon, he started to dance with
abounding joy before the bridegroom and bride.
RAV AHARON KOTLER once went to rejoice at a wedding,
although he was running a high fever at the time.
Similarly, Rav Shraga Feivel Mendlowitz danced before a
bride and groom although he had a heart condition. Noticing
this, someone tried to stop him, reminding him of his
illness. His response was, “Never mind, I feel fine! We
must teach the students the importance of rejoicing before
a bride and groom!”
THE CHAFETZ CHAIM once explained to his son the importance
of cheering the hearts of a bride and groom upon
attending a wedding. “Making no attempt to gladden the
bride and groom might be considered stealing,” he said.
“A great deal of money is expended so as to give the guests
the opportunity to bring joy to the newlyweds.” He went
on to explain that, due to this, the Sages have stated that
partaking of a wedding feast without rejoicing is a transgression.
14
Each time a wedding procession would pass by the
home of the Chafetz Chaim, he would place a lit kerosene
lamp by the window where the entourage would pass,
lighting the way for them, and thereby participating in the
mitzvah of rejoicing with the bride and groom.
THE MANCHESTER ROSH YESHIVAH, Rav Yehudah
Zev Segal, fulfilled the mitzvah of simchas chasan v’kallah
with much fervor. When he danced before the groom, his
face shone and reflected intense concentration. So precious
was this mitzvah to him that when he needed to undergo
surgery, he expressed concern to the surgeon that as a result
of the operation his ability to dance might be hindered.
IT IS PARTICULARLY meritorious to rejoice at the
wedding of an orphan, to make him or her happy.
WHEN RAV MOSHE FEINSTEIN was asked by Rabbi
Moshe Rivlin to accompany him to visit a wealthy man
on behalf of the yeshivah, Reb Moshe declined as the appointment
coincided with the wedding of an orphan girl to which he
was invited. “I don’t know the girl,” he explained, “but she came
to me the other day and said that she would be grateful if I came
to her wedding. You will have to visit that man alone.”
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