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The Eternal Bond
A Guide to the Laws, Customs, and Traditions of the Jewish WeddingChaim Press
The Eternal Bond
Mazel Tov - it's official! The chasan and kallah are engaged! Now they have the ultimate Jewish wedding guide. Comprehensive and easy-to-read, this invaluable book guides chassanim, kallahs and their families from the engagement to the first year of marriage and shows them to appreciate the depth and meaning behind the customs, laws, and traditions of this momentous time. With stories, insights, and anecdotes, this is an excellent resource for rabbis and educators, and for every Jewish family.
Book Excerpt from The Eternal Bond
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The Eternal Bond:
The only Jewish wedding guide for Jewish bride & groom - the chosson & kallah: an explanation of the Jewish wedding, Jewish laws, Jewish customs, & Jewish traditions, with inspiring stories, insights & essential knowledge for chassanim, kallos, rabbis, & Jewish families!
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Chapter Seventeen
REJOICING
GLADDENING THE BRIDE AND GROOM
It is a great mitzvah to gladden the hearts of a groom and bride (simchas chasan v’kallah).1
Although the Sages instituted this mitzvah, it is one of the outstanding demonstrations of loving-kindness, and it is included in the commandment, “And you shall love your fellow man as yourself” (Vayikra 19:18), the reward of which a person reaps in this world as well as in the Next World.2
The Midrash states that the Almighty Himself rejoiced with Adam and Chava at their wedding in the Garden of Eden.3
Some commentators interpret the passage in Koheles (3:4) “v’eis rekod - and a time to dance,” as referring to the dancing and rejoicing in the presence of a bride and groom.4
The Midrash states that even the wicked Queen Izevel would tap her feet, clap her hands, and wave her head in honor of a bride and groom who would pass by her palace. Even though she was killed and dogs devoured her body, as a punishment for her crimes, nevertheless, when her remains were collected for burial, her skull, feet, and the palms of her hands were spared. They were found intact as a reward for having thus rejoiced before a wedding procession (see Melachim II 9:35–36).5
The Talmud relates that King Agrippas was praised by the Sages for having made way for a bride when she passed. Upon being asked, “Why do you step aside for a bride?” he replied, “I wear a crown every day; she wears her crown only today!”6
Rabbi Yehuda bar Ilai, who constantly studied Torah, would interrupt his learning to gladden a bride by dancing before her with a myrtle branch. Similarly, Rabbi Shmuel the son of Rabbi Yitzchak would dance before a bride while juggling three twigs in the air. As a reward for Rabbi Shmuel’s deed, at his funeral, a pillar of fire in the shape of a myrtle branch separated his bier from the large crowd of people. This was viewed by the Sages as Heavenly affirmation of the special merit of the great mitzvah that he had performed.7
Rabbi Eliezer HaGadol, in his tzava’ah (ethical will), instructed his son to always make sure to gladden bridegrooms.8
Rav Avraham Pam emphasized the greatness of this mitzvah by pointing out that G-d Himself rejoices at the time of a new marriage, as is recited in the introductory phrase to Birkas HaMazon, “shehasimchah bim’ono - the joy is in His abode” (see chapter 18). It would, therefore, only be proper for one to join the Almighty at the time of this joyous occasfion.9
Rav Shalom Schwadron was renowned for his exuberant dancing at weddings, enthusiastically fulfilling the mitzvah of gladdening the bride and groom. He told the following story to demonstrate the greatness of this mitzvah.
DURING A CERTAIN PERIOD in his life, the Vilna Gaon went into voluntary exile, wandering from city to city. One day, he arrived incognito in a small town and found a wedding taking place. All of the townspeople had gathered to celebrate and rejoice with the groom. The Vilna Gaon, joining them, seated himself in the section designated for the paupers.During the wedding feast, a valuable object seemingly disappeared from one of the tables. Suspicion immediately fell upon the Gaon, the stranger in town. Naturally, the people accused him of being the thief. One of the guests approached the stranger and repeatedly demanded that he return what he had stolen. The Gaon remained silent. Another guest grabbed the Gaon by the arm, lifted him from his seat, pulled him over to the groom’s table, and sat him down, in full view of all the guests. Angrily, they shouted, “Return what you took!” The Gaon again remained silent. One guest flung open the door in a rage and shoved the Gaon out of the wedding hall, to the accompaniment of merry laughter. The Gaon turned around and noticed that the groom was also laughing. He later related to others that his embarrassing experience was well worth it, if only to make the groom happy.10
RAV YITZCHAK BLAZER (also known as Reb Itzele), a mussar giant, went to great efforts to gladden a bride and groom. Once, when Reb Itzele returned home from a distant city where he had traveled for the sake of performing the mitzvah of gladdening the hearts of the bride and groom, he discovered that in the interim, one of his children had gotten a coin stuck in his throat. After numerous unsuccessful attempts to extract the coin or push it down his throat, the doctors had abandoned hope for the child’s life. Suddenly, the child swallowed the coin and emerged unscathed from this life-threatening ordeal. Reb Itzele attributed his child’s survival to the merit of the mitzvah which he had just performed, of cheering the hearts of a bride and groom.11Even at the wedding of Rav Naftali Amsterdam to his second wife, who both were in their seventies, Reb Itzele danced on a tabletop, and sang songs and rhymes all in fulfillment of the mitzvah of gladdening a bride and groom. When questioned as to whether so much rejoicing was called for, he answered, “In the halachah which states that one should rejoice with a bride and groom, no mention is made as to the couple’s age!”12
AN UNCLE OF RABBI AKIVA EIGER, who was unable to attend the wedding of his nephew, subsequently wrote a congratulatory letter in which he apologized for his absence at the wedding. He reassured the groom, however, that he was festively rejoicing at the time of the wedding. [This repast became known as seudas Rabbi Akiva Eiger.]
Similarly, Rav Avraham Grodzinsky, Hy”d, the mashgiach of the Slabodka Yeshivah, was once visiting Warsaw. He suddenly glanced at his watch and began to sing and dance. When asked about his strange behavior, he explained, “At this very moment, one of my students is getting married in Slabodka. Although I am unable to participate personally at his wedding and fulfill the great mitzvah of gladdening the groom, nevertheless, I am rejoicing even from afar, as I feel very happy for him.”13
RAV CHAIM MICHOEL DOV WEISSMANDEL, well known for his heroic efforts to rescue Jews from the Nazis during the Holocaust era, spent much time in mourning over the destruction of European Jewry. Nevertheless, he was sure to demonstrate his genuine happiness and joy at the weddings of his students.
IT IS RELATED that at the wedding of his grandson, Rav Chaim Halberstam (the Sanzer Rav) was exceedingly joyful, and his chassidim rejoiced with him. His son, Reb Aharon, remarked to them, “On the verse ‘And Egypt did evil to us and to our fathers’ (Bemidbar 20:15), Rashi comments, ‘From this we see that the Patriarchs suffer in their graves when retribution comes upon Israel.’ If this is so,” he continued, “then it stands to reason that when there is a wedding, our Patriarchs also rejoice. Come, let us be joyful together with our ancestors.” Thereupon, he started to dance with abounding joy before the bridegroom and bride.
RAV AHARON KOTLER once went to rejoice at a wedding, although he was running a high fever at the time. Similarly, Rav Shraga Feivel Mendlowitz danced before a bride and groom although he had a heart condition. Noticing this, someone tried to stop him, reminding him of his illness. His response was, “Never mind, I feel fine! We must teach the students the importance of rejoicing before a bride and groom!”
THE CHAFETZ CHAIM once explained to his son the importance of cheering the hearts of a bride and groom upon attending a wedding. “Making no attempt to gladden the bride and groom might be considered stealing,” he said. “A great deal of money is expended so as to give the guests the opportunity to bring joy to the newlyweds.” He went on to explain that, due to this, the Sages have stated that partaking of a wedding feast without rejoicing is a transgression. 14 Each time a wedding procession would pass by the home of the Chafetz Chaim, he would place a lit kerosene lamp by the window where the entourage would pass, lighting the way for them, and thereby participating in the mitzvah of rejoicing with the bride and groom.
THE MANCHESTER ROSH YESHIVAH, Rav Yehudah Zev Segal, fulfilled the mitzvah of simchas chasan v’kallah with much fervor. When he danced before the groom, his face shone and reflected intense concentration. So precious was this mitzvah to him that when he needed to undergo surgery, he expressed concern to the surgeon that as a result of the operation his ability to dance might be hindered.
IT IS PARTICULARLY meritorious to rejoice at the wedding of an orphan, to make him or her happy.
WHEN RAV MOSHE FEINSTEIN was asked by Rabbi Moshe Rivlin to accompany him to visit a wealthy man on behalf of the yeshivah, Reb Moshe declined as the appointment coincided with the wedding of an orphan girl to which he was invited. “I don’t know the girl,” he explained, “but she came to me the other day and said that she would be grateful if I came to her wedding. You will have to visit that man alone.”
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