What Do the Aveilim Want from Me?
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis tells a moving story in her book,
A Meaningful Life (HarperCollins, 2002). A couple in her community suffered the loss of their only child, a terrible, almost unbearable tragedy. Several weeks after the shivah, Rebbetzin Jungreis met the mother, who said to her, “I can’t tell you how grateful we are to your husband. He was so helpful to us during the shivah.” Arriving home later that day, Rebbetzin Jungreis asked her husband, Rabbi Meshulam Jungreis,
zt”l, “Tell me, what did you say to them that was so comforting?” Rabbi Jungreis responded, “I didn’t say anything. I just sat and cried together with them.”
A young girl was leaving for school, and her mother reminded her to come straight home when her class ended. Thirty minutes late, she finally walked through the front door. Her mother scolded her, “Where have you been?” she asked. “I’ve been worried sick.”
With a concerned face, the little girl replied, “I walked home with my friend Sally. She dropped her doll on the way, and it broke all to pieces. It was just awful!”
“So you were late because you stayed to help her pick up the doll and put it back together again?” her mother asked.
“Oh no, Mommy,” she explained. “I didn’t know how to fix the doll. I just stayed to help her cry.”
(Dan Clark, Puppies for Sale)
What should we say? How should we say it? Words are often inadequate here. There is no magical way to ease the pain of such a loss. What we can offer the mourner is our love, support, compassion, and our presence, not just for the week of shivah, but for long afterward. You don’t have to cry with grieving people, but you can demonstrate your sympathy for their sadness. Hold the person’s hand, sit silently with him, release a sigh, stroke, or pat him in a friendly way.
Practical Aspects of Being Menachem Avel
It is very difficult to comfort someone immediately after the death of a loved one. We learn from
Pirkei Avos, as well as modern psychology, that when we experience intense emotions (such as anger or sadness), it is hard to benefit from what is said to us — it can be difficult to hear and difficult to remember the words. The very words that can be soothing later on may be irritating now, when the pain of grief is so acute. Therefore, a person in sorrow may appreciate your just being with him so that he is not alone — he may not want to talk, so wait until he initiates the conversation.
The mourner is supposed to speak first during a shivah call. You need not feel uncomfortable. You should listen and continue with the topic that is brought up without changing it to make yourself more comfortable. For example, if your friend Ruchi is talking about her mom, try to listen and ask questions about her mother.
You have fulfilled the mitzvah of nichum aveilim, even if you have said nothing at all. Just visiting is sufficient. However, the Shelah encourages visitors to share good things about the person who died to make the mourner feel better.
If you are an acquaintance of the person who died but would like to visit the mourners, whom you do not know, you may consider attending shacharis, minchah, or ma’ariv at their home during the shivah. If you are close to the mourner, you can visit or call a few times to give your support and comfort.
Buy Saying Goodbye by Neal C. Goldberg, Ph.D. and Miriam Liebermann, C.S.W. at a special online price at www.targum.com
