Chapter Fourteen

The Laws of the Kallah

A chosson and kallah usually find the laws of Family Purity extremely confusing. They must therefore study this topic with an experienced rav and kallah teacher, who will be capable of providing expert guidance. It is worth noting that they will come across many customs and chumros that they may wish to observe. It is advisable that they accept these practices upon themselves bli neder, so that they are not bound by them in times of need.

422. How should the date of the wedding be fixed?

It is strongly recommended that the kallah be tehorah for the chuppah, having completed the purification process. Therefore, the approximate dates of her future periods should be calculated, based on when she saw in the previous months. The shorter the engagement, the easier it is to schedule the wedding during the period of days that she is expected to be tehorah. Time should be left for her to observe shiva nekiyim and immerse. A rav should be consulted to help with the calculation.

423. After the date has been fixed, can anything be done if her periods come at surprising intervals?

It is common for a kallah to see her periods earlier or later than expected. This can be due to a combination of excitement, nervousness, and fatigue. If she thinks that she will be unable to immerse in time for the wedding, a rav in consultation with a gynecologist may advise hormone treatment.

424. How should a kallah purify herself for the wedding?

She must perform a hefsaik taharah, observe shiva nekiyim, and immerse in a mikveh.

425. Must she wait five days before starting the shiva nekiyim?

• If she is starting the shiva nekiyim immediately after her last period, she should preferably wait five days from the beginning of the period. If doing so will prevent her from immersing before the wedding, she may begin the shiva nekiyim whenever this is feasible.
• If she is starting the shiva nekiyim between periods, she may do so as soon as she wishes.

426. How should she perform the bedikos?

A kallah should not attempt to perform any bedikos without receiving clear instructions from a married woman experienced in these matters. She will be unable to perform a bedikah as thoroughly as a married woman, but should gently try to turn the cloth around as much as possible, taking care to avoid injuring herself.

427. How many days before the wedding should a kallah begin the shiva nekiyim?

If possible, she should start observing the shiva nekiyim ten or eleven days before the wedding, thereby allowing a few days leeway in case of any unexpected setback. Nevertheless, the immersion should preferably be performed on the night before the wedding. If this is impractical, she may immerse up to three nights earlier.

428. Should anything be done between her immersion and the wedding?

She should perform one bedikah a day, in the same gentle manner as she does during the shiva nekiyim.

429. When should she make the preparations for the immersion?

Immediately prior to the immersion. She may make all the preparations at night if this is more convenient (compare question 226).

430. Are there any leniencies with the immersion of a kallah before the wedding?

If it is extremely difficult for her to immerse at night, she may immerse during the eighth day.

431. May she immerse before the end of the shiva nekiyim?

If she is unable to complete the shiva nekiyim until the day of the wedding, she may be able to immerse on the seventh day (after halachic sunrise). It must be arranged that the married couple will not be alone together until after nightfall. A rav must be consulted.

432. What if she did not immerse before the chuppah?

The chosson and kallah are forbidden to be secluded together both at night and during the day until she immerses.

433. Are there any other situations when they may not be secluded together?

Yes, if she becomes teme’ah before the marriage is consummated. This may occur soon after the chuppah, or during the days afterwards before they were successful in consummating the marriage.

434. How should they avoid being secluded?

• At night, they should ideally sleep in separate rooms, each with another person. However, the custom is to allow them to sleep in the same room with the door ajar, if another married couple sleep in a nearby room with their door ajar.
• During the day and early evening (until they go to sleep), they must not be alone at any time. This can easily be achieved by always being together with other people. According to some opinions, they may be together in their home and rely on the leniency of having their front door open.
• The details of these arrangements should be discussed with a rav.

435. Is hymeneal bleeding metamei ?

Yes. This type of blood has the same law as menstrual blood.

436. Are there any concessions regarding the first time that they have relations?

Ordinarily, if a woman experiences bleeding during relations, the husband may not continue relations in the normal manner (see question 22). However, in the case of a kallah, he is permitted to conclude relations in the normal manner, and is not required to separate immediately. Similarly, he may separate while he is stimulated.

437. Must all the harchakos be observed after the first relations?

All the harchakos apply, except that they may sleep in each other’s beds (when the other spouse is not in it). In addition, although a woman usually has to wait until the sixth day before starting the shiva nekiyim (see question 186), a kallah after hymeneal bleeding may begin on the fifth day. However, if she subsequently sees her normal period, they may not sleep in each other’s beds, and she must wait until the sixth day after becoming teme’ah to start the shiva nekiyim.

438. What if a kallah did not experience any bleeding during the first relations?

Even if she performed a bedikah and found herself to be clean, she is teme’ah and must undergo the purification process (see previous question).

440. What if the chosson was not successful in achieving complete penetration?

She should carefully perform a bedikah to see if there was bleeding.

• If she finds blood, they must separate and the b’racha should be recited.
• If she did not find blood or did not perform a bedikah, he must consult a rav who is experienced in these matters. The couple should observe all the harchakos until they are able to clarify the kallah’s status.

441. Is a bedikah required after the second time that they have relations?

If she experiences pain or discomfort during relations, she should check the sheets for evidence of blood. According to some opinions, she should also wipe herself with a white cloth and check it for blood. This also applies to any further occasions that she feels discomfort.

442. Must they separate each time that she sees blood?

Yes. Each time that the kallah bleeds as a result of relations, she is teme’ah (see questions 436 and 437). If the bleeding was not accompanied by pain or discomfort, she must contact a rav immediately (see question 450).

443. Should bedikos be made after future relations?

A small number of women have a rare medical condition that bleeding is brought on by relations. In many communities, women (who have a vesses she’aino kavua) have a custom to perform bedikos before and after relations on three occasions to confirm that she does not suffer from this condition. A chosson and kallah should verify the local custom with their rav.

444. When should these bedikos be made?

They should be made only after she no longer experiences hymeneal bleeding, and does not feel any discomfort during relations.

445. May they be performed at any time?

They should be performed only at a time that she may possibly see. Therefore, during the monthly cycle, they can be made only from the earliest time in the month that she may see her period. Similarly, they cannot be made during pregnancy, or when she is nursing unless her periods have returned.

446. Must the three bedikos be consecutive?

No. Even if they are made months apart, they are valid. This is a common occurrence, since there are only a few days each month when the bedikos can be performed.

447. How should the bedikos be performed?

The wife should make a bedikah within half-an-hour before relations. After relations, she should perform another bedikah as soon as possible and the husband should wipe himself with a white cloth. These cloths should be checked for any traces of blood.

448. What if blood is found?

They must immediately seek expert advice from a rav. If this problem is not dealt with properly, it may result in the couple having to be divorced.

449. What if a couple have been married for a long time but never made these bedikos?

They are not obligated to make them. Since they have lived together normally for an extended period without being aware of this problem, it is clear that the wife does not suffer from this condition.

450. Must these bedikos ever be made by a couple who have been married for a long time?

If on one occasion following relations they find blood on the sheets or on themselves, or if she experiences bleeding shortly after relations, they must perform these bedikos. Even if the bedikos were made soon after their marriage, they must now be repeated, in order to refute the possibility that she has begun to suffer from this condition. In this situation, a rav should be consulted to determine the appropriate course of action.

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