Injuries,
the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Human
beings are exceedingly vulnerable. One fall on your face and you may need
stitches. One wrong turn on your skis and you may find yourself with a broken
leg. Thankfully, your body works naturally to heal itself, but even with proper
medical attention you may end up scarred or disabled.
The
same is true of your emotions. A childhood trauma may reverberate throughout
your adult life, and even recent hurts may take years to fade. As fragile as
you are physically, you are often even more so emotionally.
Once,
as I introduced myself and my topic to a Discovery group, I noticed a deadly
serious look on the face of one woman in the room. I began as I always do,
saying that the religious approach to dating is designed in part to discourage
emotional investment in doomed relationships. The woman sat back in her chair,
arms folded, wearing a tight, pained expression. I gave an example of such a
dead-end relationship, in which only one partner sought a long-term commitment.
Her face darkened and she nodded almost imperceptibly. “Hmm,” I thought. “Seems
like this must have happened to her.” I gave a second example, that of a
relationship that eventually and painfully terminated because the partners’
life goals did not coincide. She looked more miserable still, sighed heavily
and nodded again, this time quite visibly. “Oy,” I wondered, “this, too?”
I felt hesitant about continuing,
but I didn’t have much choice. So I took a deep breath and gave my final
example: an unhealthy relationship. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next:
her eyes filled with tears, she got up, and walked out.
This
woman was in considerable pain. Had her suffering been physical, she probably
would have been hospitalized. Then again, had she anticipated such great
physical distress, she would have been much more cautious to begin with.
Most
people are quite wary of physical risks. They will not, for example, jump off a
diving board without knowing if there is water in the pool below. Feelings, on
the other hand, are intangible. Emotional dangers are therefore far more
difficult to identify and take seriously.
The
sad truth is that because of the subtlety of emotional damage, countless people
throw caution to the winds, dive into empty pools, and then walk around with
the equivalent of open wounds and fractured limbs. Most of these victims don’t
even realize the extent of their injuries. Yet one’s heart suffers as surely as
one’s body. And although time may heal all wounds, the scars remain.
If
an angel were to visit you in the womb and offer you anything you desired, one
of the most priceless blessings you could request would be a positive outlook
on life. Some people are born with it, good parenting can go a long way toward
implanting it, and you may even be able to learn it. But much depends on your
experiences.
Since
relationships are so central to our lives, they largely determine our outlook.
When you succeed in a relationship, you feel good about life. But every time
you get clobbered emotionally, hopelessness sets in, leading you to conclude
that such optimism is only for the foolish or the blind.
I
once had a brief encounter with a very unhappy 18-year-old girl. Dawn had been
heavily involved with a number of guys who, one after the other, had come and
gone in her life. When I met her, she had just followed her latest boyfriend to
Israel. Shortly after she’d arrived, he’d broken up with her. She was in
despair. It pained me to hear her speak.
“I’ve
had it with relationships!” she said tearfully, her shockingly deep bitterness
cutting into me like a knife. “I never want to have anything to do with men
again as long as I live.”
I’m
sure other teenage girls have mouthed similar sentiments following a breakup.
But I had never seen such utter disillusionment in a person her age. I felt as
if I were listening to a jaded older woman who’d divorced a succession of
abusive and unfaithful men. Yet Dawn had barely reached adulthood. Had she
grown up in a different environment, she might have retained a positive and
trusting perspective on life and relationships. I knew I was witnessing a
tragedy that needn’t have happened.
If
we want not only healthy limbs and organs but healthy psyches, we have to treat
our souls as carefully as our bodies. We have to be just as wary of emotional
cliffs as physical ones, and we have to understand how easily we can step over
the edge.
Few
areas of life involve more emotional intensity, and therefore greater risk,
than male-female relationships. When you become involved with someone, you let
down the self-protective barrier you erect in your dealings with others. You
put your emotions on the line. You allow yourself to be vulnerable. Even with
touch out of the picture, you’ve got a lot to lose. But add the powerful bond
created by physical closeness, and immeasurably more is at stake.
Each
time a relationship breaks up, you pay a price. You grow less confident in your
ability to distinguish reality from fantasy. You lose faith in the permanence
of relationships and the goodness of others, particularly the opposite sex. And
in the end, you forfeit the optimism essential to happiness.
This
defeat is sad enough. But here a vicious circle can be set in motion. The next
time you meet someone, you are already on your guard. You no longer trust
enough to become close. The other person, in turn, may sense your closedness
and back out of the relationship, dealing your trust yet another blow. You then
retreat deeper into your protective shell, further dimming the prospect of
future success. Disillusionment thus gives rise to fatalism, which becomes a
self-fulfilling prophecy.
One
of the most effective strategies for not getting hurt is not bonding with
another person until it is safe to do so. Reserving physical closeness for the
security of a permanent relationship helps safeguard your happiness – and your
future.
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