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Talking Tachlis
A Singles' Strategy for MarriageRosie Einhorn and Sherry S. Zimmerman
Talking Tachlis
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Book Excerpt from Talking Tachlis
What to Look for in a Prospective Spouse
With the techniques mentioned above, you will become more aware of the person you really are and of the qualities that are both more important and less important in the shidduchim you will meet. This knowledge provides you with a beginning point of reference. It will leave you open to meet people whom you otherwise would not have considered and will also help you determine which qualities you previously believed were important are not essential to a fulfilling life.
Later chapters of this book will explore a number of other considerations that can help you decide which person is the right one for you. At this point, however, two critical ingredients should be present any time your relationship with a shidduch progresses beyond the first date. Every relationship must contain these ingredients in order to survive. These are admiration and mutual respect, and compatibility.
Admiration and Mutual Respect
From the very first meeting, each member of the couple should feel that he or she is being treated with proper derech eretz. There is no room in any relationship for a superior attitude or disrespectful treatment. Sometimes this behavior first becomes apparent later in the relationship, when the couple becomes more comfortable in each other's presence and feels less of a need to impress each other. If you feel that your date looks down on you, or if you feel a sense of humiliation in the way he treats you or introduces you to others, the relationship should not progress further. There must be mutual respect throughout the dating process, just as in marriage. Each of you should treat the other with the same compassion and consideration as you would like to be treated, and you should feel that your prospective partner is doing the same.
As a relationship progresses, each member of a dating couple should begin to admire one or more qualities the other person possesses. You might admire your suitor for his ability to learn, his perseverance, his ability to see the silver lining in an unpleasant situation, or the way he gets along with his family. He might admire the dignified manner with which his date treats the senior citizens with whom she works, her enthusiasm for the community affairs in which she participates, or her ability to organize and complete her projects. Hopefully this mutual admiration will grow into a mutual belief that each member of the couple is cherished and important to the other's emotional well-being. If the feeling of admiration is absent, the relationship will not be built on anything solid and will eventually, whether before or after marriage, end.
Yosef and Chaya had been dating for three months and were ready to get engaged. Since Chaya was newly religious, her seminary teacher realized that the relationship was progressing rapidly for a girl raised in a secular environment and suggested that Chaya and Yosef meet with a therapist to see if the time was right for them to become engaged. Yosef vocalized a number of criticisms about Chaya's mode of dress and her parents' lifestyle and had a number of ideas about how she should change. The therapist understood that Yosef did not admire anything about Chaya and, moreover, that he did not respect her. After the therapist discussed her observation with the couple, Chaya realized that the therapist had vocalized her own hidden concerns. Yosef wasn't the man for her. She deserved someone who adored her and treated her with respect.
Evenings out with your prospective spouse are an opportunity to observe characteristics about his behavior. For example, the manner in which a person treats a waiter, waitress, or anyone who provides a service to them can often foretell how he will behave once a married couple settles down to the everyday routine of fixing things around the house, cooking and serving dinner, and performing other household tasks. When we are out for the evening, we usually project our best behavior to our date. If our date treats the waitress or doorman shabbily, it is a good indicator of how he may treat someone he views as subservient and how he will treat his wife when she performs household tasks.
Compatibility
Each of us has idiosyncrasies which endear us to some people and drive other people crazy. In most marriages, we are willing to overlook some of our spouse's mannerisms or behaviors because we love him or because the idiosyncratic activities do not irritate us on a deep level. For example, many women are "neat freaks" whose husbands become accustomed to having their wives insist on, for example, a tidy bathroom; the wives, in turn, accept as a fact their husbands' propensity to leave newspapers and empty dishes scattered around the den. Each partner learns that this is a facet of the other's personality and is willing to live with it. One woman may not mind that her boyfriend cracks his knuckles when he is nervous; this habit may drive someone else up the wall.
Rebecca, a twenty-four-year-old bookkeeper, dated a personable young man from a similar background. She was beginning to think seriously about him, and he took her to his home to meet his parents. When offering her a cup of coffee, the young man selected one cupcake from a plate of several cupcakes, cut it in half, and gave it to Rebecca. When Rebecca went home that evening, she decided not to see the young man again. She felt that he had given her a preview of "coming attractions." By splitting the cupcake in half, he indicated that he would not be generous with his possessions. She realized that on their dates he had given very small tips to the waiters and had not been willing to spend very much money. While Rebecca did not expect to be wined and dined, she knew he had a well-paying job, lived with his parents, and had few expenses. She was surprised that her date was stingy and could not accept this characteristic in a prospective spouse.
When a date exhibits a character trait or idiosyncrasy that a particular person finds too irritating to accommodate, the wisest choice is often to admit that the couple is simply incompatible.