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Sha'arei Chaim:
A collection of important Torah insights from the popular weekly Hashkafa shiurim of Rav Chaim Halpern that gives clarity to many of today's vital issues.
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Disciplining Children
It is important for the parent to discuss and explain the inappropriate behaviour of the child with him. In the same way that sin is symptomatic of shtus, folly (Sotah 3a), the Maharal explains that the opposite trait which can counter this is da’as, knowledge and realisation of the correct demeanour required. It is useful to appeal and speak to the child to make him see the error of his ways.
Parents are obligated to be aware of where their children are misbehaving and to implement the necessary reprimand and discipline, so that they develop into true Torah Jews. Nevertheless it has to be the same loving parent who rewards the good child who is also the one who punishes when he misbehaves. Where a meaningful relationship with one’s child has been forged, the retribution and monitoring of a parent will be understood as the realisation of his deep love for the child’s spiritual and physical welfare. Parents have to cautiously devote attention to develop a set of effective methods of chastisement and punishment where necessary, such that they are not counterproductive in the long run.
Modern, secular pedagogy and discipline are inappropriate in regard to a Jewish child’s chinuch (Rav E. Dessler, Michtav Me’Eliyohu III, p. 360). When punishing a child it is mandatory to divorce the parent’s feeling of anger from the discipline necessary for the child’s betterment. Punitive action that merely relieves a parent’s anger and frustration is not necessarily remedial and positive for the child’s spiritual growth and development. The severe Torah prohibition against administering physical punishment (Devorim 25:3) is waived only on very rare occasions where the chinuch of the child deems it necessary. The Vilna Gaon notes that while Shlomo Hamelech says, “Discipline your son, for there is hope; let your soul not be swayed by his protest,” the very next posuk cautions the parent that “A person of great anger will bear punishment” (Mishlei 19:18-19). As I heard Rav Avrohom Pam, zt”l, put it, “A person is exempt from the mitzvah of chinuch when he is angry.” Hitting a child as a means of discipline needs to be very carefully deliberated. Only in the rare instance where a parent has clearly explained the reason for the punishment, and is 100% sure that the action will have a positive outcome, should the use of physical retribution be considered. Indeed, the Steipler Gaon writes that physical punishment should be restricted to the instance where a child is demonstrating continuous arrogance and brazenness, or where he must learn the meaning of the pain he inflicts on others.
The great tzaddik and close disciple of the Ba’al Shem Tov, Rav Yitzchok Shaul, the illui of Minsk, relates the following poignant story: His father, Rav Nissan, would have a leather strap hanging on the wall that would serve as an admonition against his children’s bad behaviour. A boisterous child, Yitzchok vented his anger at the cock in his backyard that had woken him at an early hour by pelting it with small stones. Hearing the noise, his father came out and observed the scene.
Rav Nissan immediately called his son inside and berated him for the aveirah of tza’ar ba’alei chaim, harming an animal. “While I have never hit you before as a punishment, I feel that in this instance you must feel the pain and anguish that you were inflicting on another creature.” He asked his son to go and fetch the leather strap. “Do you know why I am going to hit you?” asked his father. The boy nodded. Rav Nissan hit his child three times. Out of pride, the child bit his lip and did not cry out.
Without saying another word, Rav Nissan put the strap down, walked into the adjoining room and closed the door behind him. As the child stood motionless, from the room next door he heard his father crying bitterly. “The strap hitting my body didn’t break me,” he would relate many years later. “But that I had caused my father to sob bitter tears for having had to hit me…that truly broke me!” It is often necessary to admonish a child; yet one must be painstakingly careful never to break his morale or embarrass him in the process, as this can truly damage his self-esteem. One must remember that halachically, a child is unable to forgive. A child should never be punished in front of his siblings, as that can leave him feeling hurt or ashamed (Pele Yoetz).