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In the Beginning:
An invaluable Jewish marriage & Jewish engagement resource, this practical guide provides newly engaged or married Jewish couples insight & direction during this exhilarating but stressful time.
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"What Did I Get Myself Into?"
You've got a case of pre-wedding jitters and you think you may be going crazy. Your parents and "more experienced" friends insist, "It's just nerves. Everyone gets cold feet." "I felt the same way once or twice before my wedding. Don't worry, everything will be fine after your marriage." You aren't so sure they're right. How can you reassure yourself that you've got a strong relationship that will flourish when you are married, or decide that there's a genuine reason for you to be concerned about going through with it?It helps to start by clarifying what you are actually worried about. Many times, the fear that we express only masks what is really bothering us. Let's look at what happened to one nervous bride.
Talia's wedding was less than three weeks away, and all she was able to think about was how much she had come to dislike her chassan Ezra's laugh. Until last week, it never bothered her. Now, she cringes every time she hears his peculiar chuckle. Why has it suddenly become the focus of her concerns?
Ezra's laugh isn't really the issue. What really bothers Talia is her unspoken fear about the enormous changes that will take place in her life after her marriage: Would marriage change her relationship with her friends and relatives? Would she adjust to moving from her parent's suburban home to the small city apartment close to the yeshiva where Ezra learns? If she and Ezra would be fortunate enough to become parents soon, how would motherhood affect her ability to continue in the job she loved? Would all of these changes be worth it? They should be, shouldn't they? She and Ezra were so compatible and had such a great relationship. Yet look how many marriages end in divorce. Would she and Ezra stand the test of time?
As she mulls over these concerns, Talia unconsciously focuses on a minor character trait to bind her anxiety. Even though she and Ezra have a very good relationship and she looks forward to beginning their life together, she can't help but be concerned about the unknown. The laugh that she once found endearing now irritates her, but she could just as easily be bothered by the timbre of Ezra's voice or the way he walks. Either of these would have been convenient characteristics upon which to focus her anxiety.
"Jitters" Are Normal
The last-minute jitters that plague Talia concern many chassanim and kallos as their wedding date nears. Many of these nervous brides and grooms, only half-believing the reassurances of their well-meaning family and friends, will allow themselves to be nervously led to the chuppah. Others will decide that there is something genuinely wrong and their upcoming marriage is doomed, without realizing that their feelings are normal and have no connection to the health of their relationship. In fact, the level of happiness that people experience during their engagement is not a valid barometer of the success of their upcoming marriage.Of course, sometimes fears are justified. Some last-minute doubts reflect a genuine problem with a relationship, and the reassurances that "it will be all right" don't turn out to be true. Well, then, how does anyone tell the difference between cold feet and a legitimate concern about the future of their marriage?
It helps to start by asking yourself when you first began to worry about the character trait or other issue that you now cannot stop thinking about. If Talia's story strikes a familiar chord and you find yourself newly irritated by a trait that never bothered you about your intended in the past, it is more than likely that you are also experiencing a generalized anxiety about the future. It isn't that your bride-to-be has suddenly become boring or shrill, or that your future husband's singing voice, gait, or receding hairline is a sign that you don't really want to spend your life with him. It's more that you are about to embark upon a journey into uncharted waters, and you have second thoughts about what the future might entail. You unconsciously focus on something that's close to the surface because you may not want to or may not be able to acknowledge your underlying concerns.