Honoring Parents in Halachah:
A Practical Guide
By Rabbi Tzuriel Ta'aseh

The Laws of Honoring One’s Father and Mother

The Rabbis taught: He must honor him [his father] in life, and he must honor him in death. How must he honor him in life? If he is doing an errand for his father, he should not say, “Send me on my way so I can finish” or “Hurry up because I am in a rush,” but he should ask them to do everything for his father.

One who causes pain to his parents through his words causes great damage, since he damages the first two letters of the Holy Name.
A person should contemplate how many times he has caused pain to his father or mother since his youth or sullied their honor and how many bad angels he has created as a result.
Even the slightest act against his parents causes damage on the highest spiritual levels, since HaKadosh Baruch Hu compares their honor to His honor. (Taharat HaKodesh)

Honoring One’s Parents in Deed

1.Kibbud av va’em in deed means feeding one’s parents (when necessary), giving them to drink, covering or dressing them, escorting them when they go into the house or when they go out if they need help, and generally serving them as a personal servant serves his master.

2.The mitzvah extends not only to the parents’ immediate personal needs, but also includes indirect needs and benefits, such as doing their shopping, running errands for them, or cleaning their house and the like (see chapter 1, paragraph 7).

3.All these aspects of honoring one’s parents are obligatory even if they did not ask him to do them. Some say that if his parents ask him to do one of the things mentioned above (such as feed them), and he does not do what they say, in addition to a failure in his obligation to honor them, he has also failed in his obligation to be in awe of them.

The Extent of Kibbud Av Va’Em

4.How far does the obligation to honor one’s parents extend? Chazal gives an example: A parent takes a pouch full of gold coins belonging to his son and wants to fling it into the ocean. The son is anxious about his money and wishes to prevent his father from doing this. Nonetheless, he must not embarrass the parent nor even display his displeasure with him. He must certainly not become angry at him. Rather, he should accept the decree of Heaven that bids him to restrain himself and remain silent.

Some say that before his parent has thrown the pouch, the son may take steps to stop him. He should try to speak to his parent and reason with him, talking in a calm and dignified way. If he is unsuccessful in this approach, it is better if he can find someone else to stop his parent physically, but always very respectfully.

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